Dying Alone
by Jason Thompson
Summary: Xander reflects on the one thing his father said to him


Dying Alone  
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fanfiction Story  
Author: Jason Thompson  
Pilamsega@tir.com  
October 10, 2000  
  
Disclaimer:Once upon a time there was a guy he wrote a story with characters and settings   
he didn't own, but he put a disclaimer on his story and that made it a little less illegal. BTVS and   
Angel are owned by Joss, Fox, Mutant Enemy, and the WB. I don't own anything except the   
situation characters are in.   
  
Category:Xander Angst.   
  
Spoilers:General season 4&5   
  
Warnings:  
  
Summary:Xander reflects on something his father told him.   
  
Rating:R for sexual situations, language.   
  
Distribution:Ask First.   
  
Notes:  
  
Dedication:Dedicated to Bri, Mary, Duchess, Dale, Nate, Stone Cold, and Aslan, who have   
allowed me to bounce my ideas off them, and Krac, cause she needs support if she's every gonna   
return to the world of sanity.  
  
Dying Alone  
  
"'You'll die alone' it was the only thing my father actually said to me which wasn't alcohol   
induced. 'You'll die alone.' Isn't that insane to say to someone? Especially your own child?   
Why didn't he just tell me I was a mistake for Chris'sake. 'You'll die alone.' And he was sober   
when he said it. When he said it, I was stunned, like he had punched me in the stomach.  
  
"But then I realized something, he was right. My natural inclination is to be alone. I push   
everyone away. Or if they're unattainable, I want them. Take Buffy, for example, entirely   
unattainable. The woman was so far out of my league it was insane. Then when she came down   
to earth, she crashed. She became a drunken slut who, will either die bleeding from the throat or   
from some wicked bad VD. From one end of the unattainable spectrum to the other. Then there's   
Faith, well she'd kill me if it gave her a laugh. She's a psycho killer, and God help me if that only   
makes me want her more.  
  
"Then there are the women who wanted me. Willow. I am far from stupid. I knew since fourth   
grade that Willow wanted me. Come on, Willow isn't stealthy, she keeps a secret like it was a   
greased pig. The more she wanted me, the more I pushed other women in her face. And   
Cordelia, Cordelia loved me. And maybe a part of me loved her. But I couldn't have her around.   
Not if I was going to die alone that is.  
  
"With Cordelia and Willow, I had my finest moment, I pushed them, Oz, Buffy and Giles all   
away if one swing. It was brilliant. I used Willow to destroy my relationship with Cordelia, and I   
used Willow's sense of obligation to push her away. Then everyone blamed me for the whole   
deal, and Xander goes from part of the group to the donut boy.  
  
"I had what I wanted, I was alone. I had pushed my friends far enough away to where I could   
end my life the way it was always meant to end… Then Anya fucked it up. She cared for me, and   
in her own crazy way she got me to care for her, and for a moment or two, I was happy.   
  
"But I kept thinking, 'You'll die alone.' It rang through my head as clear as a bell. So I had to   
work really hard to push Anya away, finally, I had to bite the bullet, get Slutty Buffy drunk and   
sleep with her, when Anya walked in I saw her break inside…  
  
"That was two years ago. Willow and Tara are still together. Riley moved back to Iowa. Anya's   
with Spike, Buffy's sleeping with anything with or sometimes without a pulse. Cordelia married   
some guy named David, big wig computer programmer I think. Wesley and Giles moved back to   
England, not together, but they're gone. And Angel's trying to tame Faith… Leaving me, alone   
and ready to die that way." Xander looked up into the cold blue eyes of his lover.  
  
She smiled, then tucked a lock of blond hair behind her ear and spoke in her almost child-like   
voice. "My dear sweet boy. So much pain, so much emptiness."  
  
She was enchanting, Xander thought that every time he looked at her. Her beauty was matched   
only by her coldness. "Yes, so much pain…"  
  
She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders to the floor. She then untied her   
robe and let it slip to the floor leaving her naked. "You need release." She slowly pushed him   
back towards the bed where he sat as she climbed into his lap.  
  
Xander's eyes fell closed, "Yes…"  
  
She smiled as her face changed to its true form, "You're father was right, you will die alone. But   
my lovely man, you will rise with me, and I will help you gain reckoning on those who caused   
you pain."  
  
She dipped her head to his throat and buried her fangs deep with in, drawing out his life's blood.   
Xander gasped out her name as she fed, "Oh Darla…"   
  
Darla drank his life's blood until he was ready, then she drew blood at her throat and led Xander's   
mouth to the wound. Xander drank weakly until his strength ebbed and blackness claimed him.   
When he fell to the mattress, Darla smiled down at him and smoothed his hair back. "Rest now   
Alexander. You are free of your pain, and you are mine." Darla stood off the bed and left   
Xander's body to die and be reborn in darkness.  
  
--End--  



End file.
